A Warrior's Thoughts º Hitting Rock Bottom At 17

Today was really tough for me. Very much so. A simple trip to the mall made me feel like my life had come to a peak at the tender age of 17. Only 17 and I already feel like Lester Burnam from American Beauty. How sad is that? Perhaps I should elucidate.

I was offered the chance to go to the mall this afternoon for a little while, just to tag along. With $20 in my pocket from my aunt (a birthday present) just in case I happen to come across something cheap and just the absentmindedness to follow along with the family, I went to the mall. I guess the first thing that I should have noticed is that my mother immediately asked me where we should go. I was only there to follow, not to lead. But, seeing an add for 10% off Onimusha: Warlords when it comes out at Best Buy, I suggested we go to the 1st floor. After passing by the pet store (which wasn't as depressing as usual since most of the puppies were being taken to new homes) we reached the Best Buy. My mother decided to duck into Mikasa while I checked out the videogames in Best Buy. What a mistake that was. I found Shadow of Destiny already out, staring at me with its beautiful graphics cover and script writing. The mysterious look to the cover of it was almost mocking me, daring me to go bother my mother for $30 to get it. Damn game. It had won. I ran back to Mikasa and located my mother, dragging her into Best Buy to show her and hopefully get her to lend me the $30 I needed. No dice. Nothing doing. She nearly flat out said that she didn't have $30 and was saving it for when my friend comes to visit (which has been put off for two weeks already). She then informed me of a brief job opening at the video store next Saturday and that I could get the money then. I was already gone, depressed at the fact my mother did not have enough money to lend to me, the fact that I'd be more in debt than I already am, and the sad fact that I myself cannot afford a game that I really wanted. Hell, Z.O.E is coming out on the 27th and I won't have enough money for that. This sent me into a downward spiral of realizing who I am. I am a near high school drop out who is already in debt at the age of 17. All the areas of work I want to get into are ones with small success rates, my sights are set too high, and in the end I'll end up just like my parents; broke. Mid-life crisis at the age of 17. How pathetic. Not to mention the people in the mall weren't helping me much either. Pushing, shoving, yelling. It was much more croweded this Sunday than it had in past times. People "felt" crazy to me, the sheer chaos of shopping surrounding me everwhere I went. People who shop can't walk straight and often meander about. I hate that.

Then to top it off, our car is broken down so it only can make local visits. I have a friend visiting from another country only until next Saturday. When do we get the car back? Friday afternoon. Not much window for opprotunity there, is it? Another dream shattered into tiny pieces, and that one wasn't even a lofty dream. Yet one more tragic piece to the terrible puzzle I put together today at the mall.

All I realized is that my life will slip into a mediocrity. How will I ever succeed as a writer? A comic book pencilist? An actress? A director? A screen writer? There is no way. I suppose all I really wanted was to finally be respected and noticed by people my age, which I have never been. Being the most unpopular person in your entire high school might do that to someone. All these are careers that when you make it, you REALLY make it. But the success rate is only 10%, if that much. I'm no cut above the rest; I'm just a lonely girl crying out for artistic attention. I'm just trying to escape the reality I live in by writing one that suits me better. But I can't even come up with a good world for myself to live in.

Today's trip trip to the mall showed me, opened my eyes to the sad fact, I am an unemployed, in debt, near high school drop out. The only things I have going for me will get me nowhere and in the end my lofty dreams will be shattered into tiny glass fragments on the road of life. I might as well face it: I am a failure. I was ever since day 1. They probably should have just put a stamp on my head that said "This here is a failure with lofty goals." I was never part of the group at school, Kung-Fu, riding, anywhere. And I've quit everything I ever did. Shows what kind of life I'm going to live. A very sad one. Which makes me wonder why I should even bother sticking around to watch myself slip through the cracks of our cruel society.

Some of my friends today have said that I'm an "aspiring artist with a portfolio of work, who does not need time to waste on a videogame while she is studying for tests to get her into college, a college that will give her a scholarship." I don't believe that. Others say I need to remember the baby steps to get to where I want to be, like drawing pictures for journals and magazines. As if I could ever do that. Some of the ideas presented to me earlier revolted me in their mere suggestion. I just can't do that kind of thing. It leaves me very torn. I want the life my lofty goals and dreams have dictated to me, but at the same time I feel I will never achieve them. What am I to do when I've hit rock bottom at 17?

I think I'll close it up now. It's nearly 5:30 am and I haven't slept a wink yet. I'll leave you all with this closing statement from Green Day's song "Castaway."

I'm on a sentimental journey

into sight and sound

of no return and no looking back or down.

A conscientious objection to the

war that's in my mind

leaving in the lurch and I'm

taking back what's mine.

I'm on a mission

into destination unknown

an expedition

onto desolation road

(where I'm a...)

Castaway-going at it alone

Castaway-now I'm on my own

Castaway-going at it alone

Castaway-now I'm on my own

Lost and found, trouble bound

Castaway

Until next time,

Vira

Hitting Rock Bottom At 17	2001-03-12 @ 09:58:14
Today was really tough for me. Very much so. A simple trip to the mall made me feel like my life had come to a peak at the tender age of 17. Only 17 and I already feel like Lester Burnam from American Beauty. How sad is that? Perhaps I should elucidate. I was offered the chance to go to the mall this afternoon for a little while, just to tag along. With $20 in my pocket from my aunt (a birthday present) just in case I happen to come across something cheap and just the absentmindedness to follow along with the family, I went to the mall. I guess the first thing that I should have noticed is that my mother immediately asked me where we should go. I was only there to follow, not to lead. But, seeing an add for 10% off Onimusha: Warlords when it comes out at Best Buy, I suggested we go to the 1st floor. After passing by the pet store (which wasn't as depressing as usual since most of the puppies were being taken to new homes) we reached the Best Buy. My mother decided to duck into Mikasa while I checked out the videogames in Best Buy. What a mistake that was. I found Shadow of Destiny already out, staring at me with its beautiful graphics cover and script writing. The mysterious look to the cover of it was almost mocking me, daring me to go bother my mother for $30 to get it. Damn game. It had won. I ran back to Mikasa and located my mother, dragging her into Best Buy to show her and hopefully get her to lend me the $30 I needed. No dice. Nothing doing. She nearly flat out said that she didn't have $30 and was saving it for when my friend comes to visit (which has been put off for two weeks already). She then informed me of a brief job opening at the video store next Saturday and that I could get the money then. I was already gone, depressed at the fact my mother did not have enough money to lend to me, the fact that I'd be more in debt than I already am, and the sad fact that I myself cannot afford a game that I really wanted. Hell, Z.O.E is coming out on the 27th and I won't have enough money for that. This sent me into a downward spiral of realizing who I am. I am a near high school drop out who is already in debt at the age of 17. All the areas of work I want to get into are ones with small success rates, my sights are set too high, and in the end I'll end up just like my parents; broke. Mid-life crisis at the age of 17. How pathetic. Not to mention the people in the mall weren't helping me much either. Pushing, shoving, yelling. It was much more croweded this Sunday than it had in past times. People "felt" crazy to me, the sheer chaos of shopping surrounding me everwhere I went. People who shop can't walk straight and often meander about. I hate that. Then to top it off, our car is broken down so it only can make local visits. I have a friend visiting from another country only until next Saturday. When do we get the car back? Friday afternoon. Not much window for opprotunity there, is it? Another dream shattered into tiny pieces, and that one wasn't even a lofty dream. Yet one more tragic piece to the terrible puzzle I put together today at the mall. All I realized is that my life will slip into a mediocrity. How will I ever succeed as a writer? A comic book pencilist? An actress? A director? A screen writer? There is no way. I suppose all I really wanted was to finally be respected and noticed by people my age, which I have never been. Being the most unpopular person in your entire high school might do that to someone. All these are careers that when you make it, you REALLY make it. But the success rate is only 10%, if that much. I'm no cut above the rest; I'm just a lonely girl crying out for artistic attention. I'm just trying to escape the reality I live in by writing one that suits me better. But I can't even come up with a good world for myself to live in. Today's trip trip to the mall showed me, opened my eyes to the sad fact, I am an unemployed, in debt, near high school drop out. The only things I have going for me will get me nowhere and in the end my lofty dreams will be shattered into tiny glass fragments on the road of life. I might as well face it: I am a failure. I was ever since day 1. They probably should have just put a stamp on my head that said "This here is a failure with lofty goals." I was never part of the group at school, Kung-Fu, riding, anywhere. And I've quit everything I ever did. Shows what kind of life I'm going to live. A very sad one. Which makes me wonder why I should even bother sticking around to watch myself slip through the cracks of our cruel society. Some of my friends today have said that I'm an "aspiring artist with a portfolio of work, who does not need time to waste on a videogame while she is studying for tests to get her into college, a college that will give her a scholarship." I don't believe that. Others say I need to remember the baby steps to get to where I want to be, like drawing pictures for journals and magazines. As if I could ever do that. Some of the ideas presented to me earlier revolted me in their mere suggestion. I just can't do that kind of thing. It leaves me very torn. I want the life my lofty goals and dreams have dictated to me, but at the same time I feel I will never achieve them. What am I to do when I've hit rock bottom at 17? I think I'll close it up now. It's nearly 5:30 am and I haven't slept a wink yet. I'll leave you all with this closing statement from Green Day's song "Castaway." I'm on a sentimental journey into sight and sound of no return and no looking back or down. A conscientious objection to the war that's in my mind leaving in the lurch and I'm taking back what's mine. I'm on a mission into destination unknown an expedition onto desolation road (where I'm a...) Castaway-going at it alone Castaway-now I'm on my own Castaway-going at it alone Castaway-now I'm on my own Lost and found, trouble bound Castaway Until next time, Vira ^
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